How Doctor Drakken (Almost) Stole Christmas
T’was a cold Winter’s day, a chill wind in the air.
High up on Mount Middleton, in his new lair,
Doctor Drakken was whining, and pacing about.
For recent events were making him pout.
Christmas was coming to Middleton town,
And normally, the holidays did not get Drew down.
But this year saw Drakken in a very foul mood,
‘Cause his recent attempt to rule Earth was subdued
By internationally famous teen hero Kim Possible,
And her faithful blond sidekick, the one called Ron Stoppable.
They’d come and destroyed his latest death ray.
It had happened not long after Thanksgiving Day.
While Kim battled Shego (Drew’s sidekick in green),
Ron somehow managed to explode the machine.
So immense was the explosion, so loud, and so great
That the lair was left in an unlivable state
Thus Drakken and Shego were compelled to move out,
And bought a fixer-upper lair (it needed tile and grout).
But it wasn’t just this that had Drakken so vexed,
He’d also have to wait until Christmas next
To put up the stockings, and decorate the tree,
And munch popcorn while watching his ‘Snowman Hank’ DVD.
Sure, there was time to decorate with stuff,
But his holiday decorations had gone up in a puff.
All destroyed in the explosion caused by the buffoon.
So Drakken wanted vengeance… and he wanted it soon.
You’ve probably guessed (watching ‘Kim Possible’ and all),
That Doctor Drakken’s heart was two sizes too small.
He’s a villain, and vengeance is what villains do,
On Christmas, or Easter, or Groundhog Day (February 2).
So he sat and he pouted, he whined, and he moped.
And revenge was the only thing for which he hoped.
“It’s not fair!” Drakken whimpered, his eyes glist’ning with tears,
“I’ve celebrated holidays all of these years!
“Why should they get their fun, while I sit here depressed?
I hate Kim Possible! And that buffoon is a pest!”
“Hey Doc!” Spoke up Shego, who was biding her time,
“Have you noticed that you’ve begun speaking in rhyme?”
“Not now, Shego.” He said with a dismissive wave,
and she glared at him like he was a troublesome knave.
He spoke: “I’m getting an idea in my head.”
“Well, that’s new!” she quipped smartly. “Don’t go there”, He said.
And indeed, ideas started to form in his brain.
Ideas darker and colder than snow mixed with rain.
Then slowly an evil grin spread ‘cross his mouth,
From the ears at the north, to the chin at the south.
And his eyes, they lit up with a most evil glee,
“I’ll steal their Christmas; they’ll be miserable like me!”
“And how do you expect to accomplish this task?”
Though she didn’t care, Shego couldn’t help ask.
“With this!” He said holding up his latest invention,
“It’s a ray that zaps presents to another dimension.”
“It zaps presents?” Shego asked with much skepticism.
“Don’t be hatin’,” He warned, “With your criticism.
“This ray detects all kinds of specialty inks,
The same kind that’s used on wrapping paper, I think.
“Then it opens a hole in the space/time continuum,
And ‘Poof!’ go the presents; that’s what happens to ‘em!”
“So you’ll sneak into town,” Shego said with a smirk,
“And zap all their presents; it’s so crazy it might work!”
“Ah, but that is merely phase one of my plan!”
He sneered with a sinister rubbing of hands.
“I knew it!” Shego rolled her eyes as she stated,
“You always make an idea way too complicated.”
He continued, “For my plan to really take flight,
We’ll need to steal more on Christmas Eve night.
“We’ll steal their trees, their decorations, their feast;
There’ll be no turkey, no ham, or any kind of roast beast.
“And then in the morning, when they awaken with cheer,
Such a cry of dismay from Middleton we’ll hear
“As they find that their Christmas has been taken away
They’ll howl, and they’ll look at each other and say
“’You stole my presents, now give them back, thief!’
And we’ll be up here, enjoying their grief.”
“But there’s something you missed,” She once more rolled her eyes,
“They’ll recognize you. You’ll need a disguise!”
“Not a problem,” He said, proud of his bad self,
“I’ll be dressed as Santa, and you’ll be my elf.”
“No way!” She shouted, waving green glowing hands,
“I am not dressing up for one of your plans!”
“Fine”, he pouted with an indignant air,
“Then Kim Possible’s Christmas will be merry this year.
“While you and I sit up here miserable and cold,
And hearing me whine cannot possibly get old.”
“OK.” She growled with a clench of her teeth,
“But anyone sees us, I’ll twist you into a wreath.”
“You’ve got holiday spirit,” Drakken nervously chuckled,
“As long as you don’t feed me a sandwich that’s knuckled.”
So they brought their heads close, and they plotted and schemed,
To steal everything in Middleton that was Christmas themed.
Before long the lair echoed with maniacal laughter,
They would soon have the vengeance they were seeking after.
Late Christmas Eve, and all through the town,
Not a creature was stirring as snowflakes came down.
Even Officer Hobble dozed at his post,
Of his nog-induced slumber, he was making the most.
Global Justice was closed, they were at a convention
In Vegas, at seminars on dealing with henchmen.
Which meant Middleton was open and clear,
For a blue-colored Santa and his single …reindeer?
Up in Drakken’s lair, Shego just fumed,
For as it turned out there as no elf costume.
But Drakken insisted she wear a disguise,
So he dressed her up (and avoided her eyes).
‘Cause her angry look could have rendered him dead,
While he fastened an antler up on to her head.
“This is stupid!” She growled, “No one’s going to buy this!”
“Not with that attitude,” He sniffed, “Come on, just try this.”
Then Drakken walked out, hiked his belt several notches,
Shook his fist at the town, “Santa’s comin’, beeyotches!”
Then off down the mountain in the new hover-sleigh,
Went Drew-Clause and Vixen to steal Christmas day.
The villains soon found they were having great ease
At stealing the presents, the stockings, the trees.
‘Zap! Zap!’ went the presents, while the trees were tossed out,
Through the door or the window, like an evergreen spout.
The food was all put in the box…did I mention?
The Quantum Reducer? ‘Nother Drakken invention.
It shrinks down the size of anything put in.
A great big fat turkey can be made small and thin.
It’s box-shaped as you may have already guessed,
And every last bit of food went in that chest.
Shrunk down to small sizes, all compact and light,
So everything could easily be taken that night.
But only the food could be Quantum Reduced,
They still had to deal with trees; Pine, Fir and Spruce.
As well as the decorations, stockings and such,
Until soon Drakken thought ‘Maybe this is too much.’
But Shego had a great idea right there and then,
“We’ll stack the trees in the sleigh, as many as ten.
“Then away I will fly them, up into the air,
and dump them all right there in Middleton Square.
“And when people wake up, they’ll come outside to see
this great mess of a pile of jumbled up trees!”
“Excellent!” Drakken raved, “An idea with great timing!
But Shego, did you know that you also are rhyming?”
“Gah!” Shego blurted, “What’s making me do that?
I’ve not heard so much rhyme since that concert by ‘Too Phat’!”
“You like ‘Too Phat’?” Drew asked with contemptible noise,
“I mean, they’re all right, but they’re no ‘Oh Boyz.’”
“Can we get on with this?” Shego demanded,
“Morning is coming, I don’t wanna be stranded.”
So they moved to the next house and cleaned it out good,
Not one thing was left; not one crumb of food.
For hours and hours they worked through the night,
Clearing house after house of all Christmas delight.
‘Till at last they arrived at that one final place,
and by now Drakken’s grin had spread clear ‘cross his face.
“At last we have come to the last of the last,
Let’s get in that house and then clear it out, fast!”
So they did, moving silently. Drew slunk about.
He crawled like a snake, which creeped Shego out.
He slid ‘cross the floor, like a serpent was crawling.
While Shego worked hard, and her patience was falling.
“What is it with you?” She was getting the willies,
“Slithering ‘round in that manner looks all weird and silly!
“We’re almost done here, so get up off the floor,
And let’s get this tree out through the window or door!”
“I AM.” He said curtly, as though still in charge,
But his face fell when he saw the tree was quite large.
And while he stood wishing the tree was much smaller,
From behind came the voice of Miss Bonnie Rockwaller.
“Santa Clause!” Bonnie bubbled with girlish delight.
“At last you’ve come, I must have done something right!
“My whole life you had never come visit our place
‘Cause my sisters said I was the family disgrace.
“Every year they said you had me listed as ‘naughty’.
This year can you give me Josh Mankey, the hottie?”
“I…uh…sure!” Drakken said, his words haltingly spoken,
“But I must take the tree t’fix a light that has broken.
“I’ll just take it back up to the North Pole tonight,
Then I’ll bring it back fixed with your…um… ‘gift’…uh, alright?
“Now go on and get back in to bed, my dear girl,
So that I can bring gifts to the rest of the world.
“But I wanna watch you take off!” Bonnie said,
“It’s your first visit here, I can’t go back to bed!”
“I…uh…yes.” Drakken stammered, “Know what? That’s OK.
You can come and watch me take off in my sleigh!”
And so Bonnie followed him out to the yard,
Where they found Shego glaring at him very hard.
“But where are all of your reindeer?” asked Bonnie,
“Where are Dasher, and Blitzen and Sneezy and Donnie?”
“It’s ‘Donner’,” He said, ”And there are none named ‘Sneezy’.
Now-days one strong reindeer can pull my sleigh easy.
“You’ve heard about Rudolph, with the red glowing nose,
This is Vixen, the green-handed deer. Look at those!”
With a roll of her eyes, Shego’s hands flared on cue,
Then off into the night, Drakken’s hover-sleigh flew.
Leaving Bonnie, whose hands clapped with childlike applause,
To stand there and shout, “See you soon, Santa Clause!”
When the sun rose that morning a little bit later,
A beeping was heard from the Kimmunicator.
Kim sat up rubbing her eyes with a yawn,
“What’s the sitch, Wade? Why you calling at dawn?
“You do know that this is Christmas day, right?”
“Kim!” Wade said, “Christmas was stolen last night!”
Kim Possible sprang from her bed with a yelp,
Then told Wade to call Ron ‘cause she’d need his help.
And soon, through the front door, Ron Stoppable walked in,
“Merry Christmas, KP!” Ron said with a grin.
“Well, not so merry,” Kim said, “You’re mistaken.
‘Cause all of our Christmas stuff last night was taken.
“Wade and I have been talking until we were blue.
We just don’t know who did this, we don’t have a clue.”
“’Until we were blue’”, Ron spoke, scratching his head,
“I think the clue might be in what you just said.
“Could it be all the Christmas stuff everyone’s lackin’.
Was taken by Shego and, of course, Dr. Drakken?
“I think I remember Wade telling me somewhere,
That someplace near Middleton is Drakken’s new lair.”
“You know,” Wade said, “Ron just might have it this time.
And have you guys noticed we’re speaking in rhyme?”
“I have noticed that we are all rhyming today,”
Kim said, “Were we hit with some sort of ‘Rhyme Ray’?”
“I don’t know,” Wade said shrugging, “There’s just no way of knowing.
But I fixed you guys up with a ride ‘cause it’s snowing.”
“You rock, Wade,” Kim said, “Ron, are you ready to leave?”
“Just a sec,” Ron responded, “I just need to retrieve
“something out of my backpack and then we can go.
Can I borrow a jacket? I’m not dressed for snow.”
Soon, up Mt. Middleton they were all snowmobiling,
While Kim shouted “Thanks for the ride Mrs. Wheeling!”
Mrs. Wheeling called back, “It’s the least I could do,
After all, you did save my two kids at the zoo!”
“Oh, it was no big,” Kim said in modest manner,
“Anyone could have captured that ape with a ‘nanner.”
“But you used that ‘nanner as bait!” Ron protested,
“So her kids could escape from that cage unmolested.
“What were your kids doing in that cage anyway?”
“They fell in,” Wheeling said, “It was quite the rough day.”
Presently, the snowmobile came to a stop.
Wheeling said, “It’s as close as we’ll get to the top.
“From here, you should proceed on foot, and then climb.
After that, you- hey! Have I been talking in rhyme?”
“It’s something that’s going around,” Kim said plainly,
But it seems to be effecting just Middleton, mainly.
“Go on back to your home and your Christmas tradition,
We’ll find our way back once we’ve finished our mission.”
Meanwhile, high up on a ledge near his lair,
Dr. Drakken was craning his ear to the air.
He was waiting for what he expected to hear,
When they woke up and found Christmas had disappeared.
But no sound of despair was the winter wind bringing,
Instead what he heard sounded something like… singing?
Hark! The Herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinner reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic host proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem
Hark! The Herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King.
Even though he had tried to steal their Christmas Day,
Christmas had come upon them anyway.
“I cannot believe it,” Drew said with a holler,
and he turned and he grabbed Shego’s suit by the collar.
“They sing without presents, they sing without trees,
it’s enough to just make me go weak at the knees!
“They sing despite all of my evil behavior,
they gather and celebrate the birth of their Savior!”
Then Drakken just stood there in silence and thought,
‘Christmas isn’t about all the presents they bought.
‘It’s not about lights or a shiny new toy,
It’s about family and Faith, and a season of Joy.’
As Drew Lipski stood doubting the instincts he’d trusted,
Out popped Kim Possible yelling, “Drakken, you’re busted!”
And instantly Shego and Kim faced each other,
But Ron began shouting, “Let’s not fight one another!
“We only came up here to give Drew a present
Let’s not begin something that might end unpleasant.”
“A present?” Kim asked more than slightly confused.
“That’s right,” Ron replied, “Although it’s slightly used.”
And he pulled out his backpack, to stares that were blank,
Handing Drakken his DVD of “Snowman Hank.”
“I remember” Ron said, “I blew up your last lair,
And to not get to watch “Snowman Hank’s” just not fair.
“So I’m giving you my very own copy right here,
And this year even you can have Holiday cheer.”
Then Shego spoke up in a tone that was shrew-ish
And said, “Wait a minute, I thought you were Jewish.
“Why are you celebrating the Christmas Day Season?”
“Cause my best friend does”, he said, “And that’s enough reason.”
Then Ron looked over and smiled at Kim,
And she beamed and then gave his grin right back to him.
Now you might expect that day Drew’s heart grew three sizes,
But he was still a villain, so, no such surprises.
However, Drew stood there and started to laugh,
For his heart had at least grown a size and a half.
He was touched by Ron Stoppable’s un-asked for gift,
So he said to the heroes, “Let me give you a lift.”
And the four of them all got up into the sleigh,
Rising into the sky heading Middleton way.
Meanwhile, the townsfolk had come down to see,
This great pile that looked like one huge Christmas tree.
Jim and Tim scrambled ‘round, connecting the lights,
To a power source, and when they all lit, what a sight!
There were colors, all red, green and gold…even fuchsia
The Tweebs were excited, “Hicka-bicka-boo!” they cried, “Hooshah!”
Then someone began singing – I think it was Sheryl,
And soon all of Middleton had joined in the carol.
They stood in a gigantic circle and sang,
And throughout the whole town, their music just rang.
Even Bonnie Rockwaller was singing with glee,
She’d just been asked out by that hottie, Josh Mankey.
And while they were singing, with a ‘WHOOSH’ overhead,
Came Kim and the others in Drew’s hover-sled.
They set the craft down right in Middleton Square,
Then suddenly, a great vortex opened up in the air.
Out spilled all the presents, all the gifts, all the tokens,
And to everyone’s amazement, not one thing was broken.
Folks picked up as many gifts as they were able,
And passed them out; all the gifts still had their labels.
Then acting as though all of this was rehearsed,
Drakken switched the Quantum Reducer to reverse.
Out came a cornucopia of Christmas food,
And, surprised, Drakken saw no one in a bad mood.
He’d expected they’d all want to send him to jail,
But forgiveness, of course, is the gist of this tale.
Instead, all the people got tables and chairs,
And had a great feast right in Middleton Square.
They feasted, they sang, they laughed and they talked,
Until long after dark, and then home they all walked.
Most people had actually thought Drakken quite clever,
‘Cause for them that Christmas Day had been the best, ever.
So Drakken and Shego went back to the lair,
And Kim walked Ron home, and then lingered there.
She wanted to hang a bit with her best friend,
She found that she didn’t want that day to end.
For that Christmas, with all its events and surprises,
She’d seen that Ron’s heart was quite big; plus three sizes!
And despite that Ron’s house did not have mistletoe,
She kissed him, then whispered to him, “Ho ho ho!”
Then she said “Bye, Ron, Merry Christmas to ya!”
Ron stood there just staring, and then he cried, “Booyah!”
So that is the end of our Holiday story,
I hope that in this season of Faith, Joy and Glory,
You all are surrounded by loved one and friends.
Just one thing left to say, and that is…
I've had two requests to change the part where Drakken says "Beeyotches" so folks can read this to their kids, and before anyone starts whining about uptight people, let me just say I agree with them. I wouldn't want that particular verse read to very young children either (I wrote it because Drakken's always trying to sound 'hip' and fails terribly, and I thought it would be funny). So, if you are going to read this to your kids, there are two things you can do:
1) Skip that particular stanza altogether, the poem won't lose what little continuity it has.
2) "Then Drakken walked out, tied his belt up in knots
Shook his fist at the town, "Santa's comin', you snots!""
Just transfer the poem to a Word doc and cut and paste the above into the appropriate location.